Another Sad Trip

I've been talking for awhile about my family and how we are losing so many of them.  The first was my Grandpa on my mother's side.  It was just after Mr. A turned two weeks old so it was in 2004.  The second was my Uncle who was killed while on his motorcycle that was in 2007.  The third was my uncle who passed in 2010 and then was followed the next year by his daughter who passed of colon cancer she was 30.  This year my grandpa passed in fact it was just last Tuesday.  That's three deaths in three years alone.  It was my dad's father, brother, brother in-law, and niece.
                                                                   

My grandpa.

The hardest part has been the fact that we moved far from them when I was 15 almost 16 and could never afford to go back and visit so the only time we got to see any of them was when the came out to see us which we only ever saw my grandparents and a few of my aunts and uncles.  I didn't get to see my first uncle that passed since we left.  I saw my second uncle that passed when my first grandpa passed and then not again until he passed.  At that point I saw my cousin a couple of times and made a special run up to see her while she was in the hospital.  I got to play with her little ones and I thought she still had time.  I think I live in denial when it comes to my family but I really thought she'd be there.  Then I didn't go back for her funeral.  I got to see her before and that was enough for me. I spent many days sobbing though.  I kept thinking of my aunt and all that she had lost, I thought about my cousins and how they just lost their dad and sister, I thought about my cousins children and how they would not have their mother around and all the things she'd miss out on with her children that she should have had.  I thought about her husband and now doing it all alone and what the future might hold for him.  Maybe I should have gone but I was a mess and I could only imagine the mess that they were all feeling.

I wasn't ready for my grandpa to pass either.  I know he had been sick off and on with infections and other issues but I thought that this year was going to be a good one.  My great grandma is turning one hundred this July and we were all going to meet up for her birthday and have a family reunion.  Yes this year was going to be a good one and then I got the call.  I didn't cry just hung up the phone and then the questions came

I really thought maybe they could still save him and maybe he wasn't really gone but then I did cry and as the information of his passing reached me I realized that there hadn't been a way.  It was his time.

Time.  

That's an interesting word.  

There never seems to be enough of it. 

We always fool ourselves into thinking there will be.

We put off things until tomorrow because there will be more time tomorrow but there isn't.

Sometimes tomorrow doesn't come.

I'll always wish that I had more tomorrows with each of my family members. 

I'll always wish I had done more or contacted them more.

Saved more, traveled more, and just said more.

I didn't and I can't.

Can I change it all now?

I need to stop lying to myself and start changing it all.

There might not be a tomorrow and it can be that way for the youngest of us.

I can't wrap this all up in a neat bow and make everyone feel the way I feel

which is this desperate need for connectedness with my family

but I hope you at least think of all the family

you have and maybe the ones you've already said good bye to and maybe you'll want to forgive,

reach out, comfort, or just drop a note or flowers off to one of them.

Just remember your family forever no matter what and one day your

time with them will be over one way or the other

and what do you want your last memories of them to be?  

When do you want that last conversation to have been?

I want mine to have been recently.  

I want mine to have been in a happier or at least a time where I'm loving on them even in their struggles.

I want to be there even if it's just in a note or phone call.

And that's as neat as I can tie this all up

go out and live today.

Love,

Mommaraff.