It's been awhile. I've thought about this blog from time to time but only in a small way time has been passing so quickly there really hasn't been time to sit and think of what I'd want to say and really the years have been unkind to me. I never wrote on the blog to be anything but open about our life and share it with friends and family. Later I started reviewing homeschool curriculum to see if there were any others I'd be interested in using but now I'm really comfortable with the method we use and don't need to do that any longer. We found out that Pumpkin now on here as Beany has autism and that's been an interesting road. My little guy Zman is now 5 just this month wow! So much. Yet it really is just a blink of an eye.....
Really at this point I want to just dump here on this blog. I want to just think out things even if it doesn't make a lot of sense to others and I still want to share about my family from this point on. I don't mind if you want to come along with me or really if you aren't even here any more that's ok as well. I'm going to journal. So here it goes..
|Monkey now called Mr. O|
In my bullet journal this is what I'd call my brain dump page. It's what I use when my brain gets filled up and I feel chaotic. I just start jotting things down and it frees up my mind again. Right now I really need a brain dump. I've experienced so much lately and its exhausting to constantly be thinking about it. I don't know what you're supposed to do with feelings related to a hurricane though. We had hurricane florence come through our area and months later we are still struggling in our towns and communities. I help distribute items to the people that others have donated. Sometimes I just drive through the hard hit areas and hand out food, blankets, coats, soaps, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, and so much more. There's soaps for cleaning the mold and cheap mops so they can be tossed without guilt as the mold spreads. I drive and hurt. It's almost like survivors guilt. Our home remains intake with just a bit of shingle damage and a few pieces of siding that needed popped back on and aside from that our shed looks like a can open peeled it open and laid it out there is no hope for it. While the storm raged we were first in tents in another state but as the rain and heat got us there with our four kids, two dogs, a cat, and a turtle we left for a camp in another state where they fed us like we were at church picnics every day and the beds were nice and dry. The wind wasn't howling at our doors in the cabins and we slept well. We were there with my extended family and a couple other families. As the days went on we found out two homes were damaged one being completely flooded of the other families. There were tears and hugs. As emotions grew so did a bit of bickering in the camp and my mother ended up in the hospital for a few days suffering some sort of attack. 19 days after leaving home we returned. It was surreal. Tree limbs blocked my driveway and branches mounded up in my driveway a limb hung from the lines out front and power had been restored only a few days prior to my return. I looked around at the mess and the sea of blue tarps on the houses all over town and wanted to cry. I am not a crier I think it has something to do with being bullied for crying on the playground over my baby sister who passed just 15 hours after birth when I was 11. I can't stand out of control emotions so although I felt like crying I couldn't. What I could do is step up and help and so our organization got busy. We took in supplies and delivered supplies we coordinated rescues and more. I think of a few weeks ago as I brought my friend a coat for her daughter and some clothes I still had a few supplies from driving around handing them out and I gave them to her and we both were tearing up I tried to wave the tears down but couldn't her needs being so simple and her fight to get her home livable again after flooding half of the first floor is so huge that it breaks my heart. You just think why did it happen? Why not my house? Why am I struggling even though my house is ok? Why don't I have more to give? I need to do more. These are my thoughts and I haven't even shifted to Floridas horror yet. The more after a hurricane problems you hear about the more heartbreaking it is. If you haven't been through one yet believe me there is so much going on and so many messed up things that it's hard not to want to run away but you have to keep going. You have to fix your home you're still paying for while trying to find somewhere elses to live and afford. You have to find clothes and necessary items while paying for both places. You argue with insurances, FEMA, and counties. You try to get payments deferred with companies some nice some not so nice. There is so much going on....
|Our evacuation camp kitchen|
|Evacuation camp hall|
|Evacuation camp hall with donations|
|Out the camp kitchens window so peaceful while inside I felt like a mess.|
|Zman at the campgrounds when we were in the tent|
|My brother playing guitar a guy from the local church loaned him|
|A local school to our camp made us this delicious stew|
|Zman found an umbrella|
|Love the fall colors popping here and there|
|Zman helped me peel apples for a camp lunch.|
|Someone donated a ton of tomatoes to the camp aren't they pretty?|
|Zman was given this umbrella and he was pretty happy|
I went to California to say goodbye to my husbands cousin who passed away at 39 by colon cancer. My cousin also passed away because of colon cancer at 32. It's so sad. Quick insert to say get your butt scoped it's not to early. While there I began to get sick and I am still sick. I think when I sat on the plane that was it my body relaxed and the sickness settled in. I didn't do much while gone because my in laws live off the grid down a mountain dirt road on the side of a cliff off the grid. The smoke from the fires over there got to me as well. I kept thinking of all the people I should be helping right then as I sat there and as I continue to try to rest and get back to health. How many needed me? How many need food or a coat? Here I sit.... but I remind myself that I can't do anything If I continue to decline and so here I am. I've watched holiday movies and soaked in more baths than I have maybe ever in my life before but it's felt good. It's felt good reconnecting to me. I finally feel today as though I'm on the mend. A few more days and I might be back out there of course Thanksgiving I'm supposed to be giving a brief speech to open a race and then hosting Thanksgiving for friends some new from the hurricane and some long time friends as well as family. It'll be a great day but I'll be thinking of those without and those alone. I'll be thinking of those in tents and campers who couldn't have a Turkey cooked and I'll want to be saving them I already am wanting to but I have to remember the ones coming to my house already need me and I'm doing what I can.
It's late and I'm tired. I feel a bit better getting a few things off my chest and now I'm thinking about all the work that needs done in the next day to prep for Thanksgiving and my speech and my project for Saturday yikes..... tomorrow I pray I wake with good health and lots of energy and I pray the same for you as well.
|Pumpkin now called Beany and I.|